The Casualties of Coffee
by ilovecarlospena93
Summary: James got really bored one afternoon and decided to give Carlos some espresso, just to see what would happen. Rated T for language.


"For the love of monkeys, whose idea was it to let Carlos have the espresso? Who?" Logan threw his hands in the air. Camille giggled and James rolled his eyes. Jo elbowed him, not quite managing to conceal her own smile. Kendall didn't respond. He was getting Carlos off the telephone pole.

"C'mon, Los, the pole is just a pole! Let go of it!"

"No! No no no no no! It needs me! Go away!" Carlos clambered up the wooden pillar, the muscles below his left eye twitching. Kendall tentatively tried to pull at his foot. He shrieked and shimmied higher, finally perching near the wires at the top. Swinging his legs, he started to hum what sounded like a combination of "Big Night" and "Beethoven's 5th".

"Wow, has this happened before?" Camille asked, putting her hands on Logan's arm. He huffed and rolled his eyes.

"No, because no one in their right minds would let Carlos have anything other than decaf. Only an idiot would even suggest it, James," Logan said, eyeing him. The beautiful brunette just shrugged.

"Hey, I was bored. I needed to be entertained, and what better way than to give Carlos caffeine?"

"Better than watching Bitters talk and interact with his imaginary friends?" Jo asked with a girlish grin.

"No, I would have stayed for that!" He responded back laughing.

"Carlos, get down from the pole! You could get hurt!" Kendall hollered. Carlos looked down at him, eye muscles still twitching.

"Did Ryan Reynolds get hurt climbing poles? Did Kim Kardashian get hurt climbing poles? Did Big Bird get hurt climbing poles? Huh?"

"Carlos, none of them ever climbed poles!"

"That shows how much you know!"

"Ok, I give up." Kendall threw up his hands in defeat. "Someone else's turn now."

"Hey Carlos, we have more coffee for you if you come down!" James called up, sending Camille into a fit of giggles. Carlos only sneezed and started trying to touch his nose with his tongue.

"Just get down here! Aren't you cold?" Jo asked, even though it was fucking California, of course it wasn't cold.

"Why? It's toasty warm! Ooh, like toast! Toast is good! Toast is my friend!" Carlos was getting hysterical now. Camille and James were laughing so hard they had to lean on each other to keep from falling. Kendall was banging his head against another pole, and some random guy was filming.

"Pigeons! Ooh, they're so fluffy! And pigeon-y!" Carlos stared as if hypnotized at three pigeons balancing on one of the telephone wires. Moving like he had springs instead of bones, he got up and began tightrope walking towards the pigeons. Jo screamed, and Kendall yelled, "Okay, that's far enough!"

"No! Come back!" Carlos cried as the pigeons, startled by his sudden weight on the wire, took flight. He lunged after them and wobbled, losing his balance. Suddenly, in slow motion, he slipped off the wire.

"OH MY GOD!" Camille shouted. Logan, Jo, James, and Camille ran towards Carlos, but it was too late. He plummeted to earth, landing with a thump. Or rather, he didn't quite reach the earth. Instead, he fell to Kendall. Actually, on Kendall.

"OOF! MY BACK!" Kendall wailed from underneath Carlos. James and Logan took his arms and dragged him up, leaving a crumpled, rather flat, Kendall on the ground. Jo ran and knelt beside him, trying to help him up.

"Wow! That was awesome! But the pigeons got away, and—oh look, feet!" Carlos sat down and started curling himself into a human pretzel, trying to tuck his feet into his ears.

"Shut up, Carlos…" Kendall groaned as James slipped his arms over Kendall's shoulders and hauled him to his feet. Bent over in pain, he leaned against the pole. The random guy turned his camera from Carlos and, trying not to laugh, shoved it in Kendall's face.

"Sir, how does it feel to be flattened by a man falling from a telephone pole?"

"Go and die," Kendall growled. Camille gently pushed the camera dude away.

"Take pity on him, he's had a bad day."

"It was good until Carlos decided to sky dive!" Kendall moaned and sank onto the bench James had brought him to. Jo sat beside him, rubbing his shoulders. Meanwhile, Logan was struggling to unhook Carlos' left foot from behind his right shoulder.

"So Kendall, how do you feel?" Camille asked innocently.

"Fuck you," He said. Jo patted his hair and kept rubbing, while James sat down next to him and grinned smugly. The guy with the camera was still filming, muttering something that sounded like, "wimp" under his breath. Logan, sweating from the exertion, hauled the twisted (in many ways) Carlos over to the group.

"Help! Help! My peanut butter is getting away! Help!" Carlos struggled to unknot his limbs, but it was impossible. He strained forward, desperate to catch some imaginary renegade peanut butter.

"Carlos, shut up!" said everyone simultaneously. And from then on, Carlos was never allowed to have anything other than decaf again.

The End


End file.
